


Missing You

by ratherstarryeyed



Series: Feels Like Love [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (at least. it ends less sadly than the other two.), (it’s like? bittersweet?), (yes. that.), Bittersweet Ending, M/M, There Is So Much Angst In This One My God, anyway, but! unlike the other two, ghost!side, go enjoy this now, hopefully it was fun to read as well, if you ignore the suffering, it doesn’t end sadly!, oh yeah i always forget this one, there we go, this whole thing was fun to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 11:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21178418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratherstarryeyed/pseuds/ratherstarryeyed
Summary: “Logan, we need to talk.”“About what?”“About you.”“What could you possibly want to talk to me for?”“We care about you, Lolo. And you’re starting to worry us.”Logan scoffs. “Why does what I’m doing worry you?”“Like Patton said, Lo, we care about you.”“And you haven’t been taking good care of yourself recently,” Patton adds. “Ever since… well, you know.”Logan hasn’t ever claimed to be good at dealing with his feelings, but it’s been weeks now. He’s going to have to accept that Roman’s dead eventually, so why prolong his suffering?





	Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> at long last! part three!! you know the drill by this point: [unnecessary playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XdbT07No4fDVUkgE9M1Sb?si=AAcXLEHSTD2yLmsq7FsYrA) plug, obligatory mention of the fact that this has gotten Way Way Out Of Hand, an order to go read the other parts, and awkward finger guns because who knows how to properly end author’s notes, right?

_“Logan, we need to talk.”_

_“About what?”_

_“About you.”_

Ouija board to contact the dead? Check. Candles so whoever he contacts can communicate? Check. A bouquet of roses and Roman’s favorite cologne so he’s more likely to remember who he is? Check.

_“What could you possibly want to talk to me for?”_

_“We care about you, Lolo. And you’re starting to worry us.”_

Logan looks out over the array of materials laid out in front of him. He glances down at his notebook one last time, and yes, that is everything. He may not be mentally ready for what’s to come, but at least he’s physically prepared.

_Logan scoffs. “Why does what I’m doing worry you?”_

_“Like Patton said, Lo, we care about you.”_

_“And you haven’t been taking good care of yourself recently,” Patton adds. “Ever since… well, you know.”_

He arranges each candle in a meticulous circle, laying roses in the spaces between them. He sprays a mist of cologne into the air, wafting it upwards and away from the soon to be lit candles. He kneels down, opens the board. _There. Almost ready._

He can’t even bring himself to say what happened, _Logan thinks bitterly._ He should be able to do that. _Roman_ would have been able to. _But he doesn’t tell them that. Instead, “I see,” is all he says._

Checking to make sure the mist of cologne has fully dissipated, Logan strikes a match, lowering it over each candle in the circle. When he’s done, he blows out the match and gets up to throw it into the trash can near the door. While there, he flicks off the lights.

_“You need to face what happened. Ignoring it isn’t going to do you any good,” Virgil says._

_Logan scoffs again. “I’m not the one who’s been unable to say Roman’s name for weeks.” Both Patton and Virgil wince at that. “I’d hardly say that I’m the one ignoring his death.”_

In the darkness of his room, the circle of candles and roses surrounding the spirit board make for an eerie sight. Logan doesn’t really believe in ghosts, but he feels a shiver go down his spine anyway. There’s an odd feeling to the room now that it has all the makings of a legitimate seance.

_“Yes, but you haven’t reacted to his death_ at all. _That can’t be healthy.”_

_“Who says I have to react? I’ve moved on. You two should as well.”_

Logan carefully steps over the circle of candles to reach the Ouija board in the center. He stares it down for a moment, taking a breath. _He’s read up on this,_ he reassures himself. _He knows what he’s doing._

_“Moving on right away isn’t always healthy. Despite what you’re saying, we both know you cared about… him very much. You have to face the fact that he’s dead head-on, not just repress your feelings about it.”_

Still, he can’t help his nerves. Contacting the dead is hardly his area of expertise, despite his hours of research into the topic. But he’ll be fine. He doesn’t even know if sides become ghosts when they die, after all. It’s very likely that he’s facing absolutely no danger.

_“I have faced my feelings,” Logan hisses. “I faced my feelings, and I got over them. I’m perfectly fine.”_

The light of the candles flickers over the board in front of him. He’s stalling, he realizes, as he focuses on the way the candlelight reflects off of his glasses and onto the floor. He shouldn’t be stalling. This is his chance to talk to Roman again, he reminds himself. Why should he put that off?

_“You’re not fine, Logan! Everyone can see that. Remus, Deceit… even Thomas has figured out that something’s wrong.”_

Logan takes another deep breath, and air laden with the cloying scent of roses and lingering hints of Roman’s cologne fills his lungs. _He can do this._ He closes his eyes, slows his breathing in order to calm his rapidly pounding heart. _He can do this._

_“Then what do you suggest I do?” Logan’s tone is cold. He doesn’t actually care what they recommend he do. It’s not as if he’ll take their advice._

The silence in his room is heavy now. He feels it weighing on his chest, and no matter how hard he tries to ignore it, it’s there. He continues breathing slowly though, doing his best to quiet his own thoughts. He’s supposed to stay calm for this. If he can stay calm, he’ll be able to talk to Roman again. The thought keeps him from going mad.

_“Whatever you need. Find closure, somehow. You certainly haven’t done that.”_

_“How would you know?”_

In, and out. In, and out. Logan keeps breathing. _This is foolish,_ he thinks, even as he does so. _This is idiotic,_ he thinks as he opens his eyes, much calmer than he’d been at the start of this process. _This is absurd,_ he thinks, placing his hands on the planchette in front of him. He quiets his mind for a moment, pushing thoughts of _‘this is ludicrous’_ out of his head.

_“I’m the source of Thomas’s feelings, silly! I can tell what everyone is feeling, and I know you aren’t satisfied with the way… he just left. I know that you still miss him, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. I know that you want to say goodbye, that you haven’t really moved on, that you’ve been ignoring everything you’ve felt since the moment you saw his body. I know that—”_

_“Alright, that’s enough. I get it.”_

“This is ridiculous,” he says aloud, giving up after less than two minutes. The spirit board was never going to work. Why did he think it was? He sighs and folds it up, blows out each one of the candles, moves all his materials to the edge of his room, and gets up to turn on the light.

_“So? Are you going to figure out how to move on properly?”_

It’s a relief to be able to see his room fully again; the darkness and the candlelight had set him on edge. It was dangerous, for one thing, and he had barely been able to see the Ouija board in front of him for another. The candles had been utterly useless and wouldn’t have worked as conductors anymore than the spirit board would have worked as a form of communication.

_“I’ll think about it.”_

Logan sighs as he sits down on his bed, pleased by how much more comfortable it is than the floor had been. “Hello, Roman,” he says to nothing.

☾❂☾

“Hello, Roman.” Roman gasps, torn from his wallowing abruptly. The world spins, and he shuts his eyes. When he opens them, he finds Logan sitting in front of him.

“Logan!” he exclaims, realizing who had summoned him. “Hi, yourself.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Roman replies, a smile still on his face.

Logan drops his head into his hands. “God, this is insane. He can’t hear me. I’m talking to myself.”

“But I’m right here, Lo. Of course I can hear you.” 

Then he remembers. Or rather, he forces himself to remember. The other sides can’t hear him. Logan can’t hear him.

He feels his heart break. “I’ll listen anyway,” he whispers, floating next to Logan.

It’s almost like Logan can hear him because he sighs and says, “But I might as well say what I was going to. It won’t hurt to, at least.” 

That’s wishful thinking, though. Logan can’t hear him. He decided to continue talking all on his own.

“I’ve missed you,” Logan repeats before taking a breath. “I told Patton and Virgil I’d gotten over you, that I’d faced my feelings and gotten over them, but of course I haven’t. I can’t— I can’t stop thinking about you. It hurts, and yet I can’t stop. It’s illogical. I can’t make sense of it.”

Roman feels a sob rip through him. This is his fault. It’s his fault Logan is in pain. He should be there, be _alive_ for him.

“If I could just— just say goodbye… maybe I’d miss you less.” His voice wavers, but even alone in his room, he struggles to keep his face blank. “But I can’t, of course,” he says with a light laugh. “You’re dead.

“Did you know you died the day before I had planned to propose? I’d bought a ring and everything, planned each second of the day… it was going to be perfect. But it was all just a little too late, wasn’t it?” He pauses, and Roman can see his hands shaking. “Here, I’ll show you.” Logan stands, walks the few steps to his nightstand, and opens the drawer. Sure enough, a small box lays at the bottom. Just as he’d said.

Logan lifts the box from the drawer and cradles it in his hand. “You figured out why I’d never told you that I loved you before you died, didn’t you?” he asks, eyes never leaving the box. Roman does know, and he doesn’t want to think about it. It hurts too much.

“I was waiting,” he whispers. “I was waiting until we got married.” He swallows. Sniffs. Wipes at one of his eyes, stopping the tears before they can even think about falling. “I thought it was going to be so sweet, so romantic. I thought you’d swoon and just about die on the spot. I would have laughed, and you would have kissed me.” Though he still rubs fiercely at his eyes, this time he can’t stop the tears. “But it was all too late. You died and I— I never got to tell you that I loved you.” Logan’s head drops into his hands, and he falls silent, shoulders shaking as his body is wracked with sobs.

And Roman can’t stop crying either. He’d missed the chance to marry Logan by _that much._ Had he died a day later, they would already be engaged. Had he died a few months after that, they would be married. 

He’d lost the chance to have _everything._ He’ll never have the ring Logan held in his hands. He’ll never walk down the aisle and see Logan at the end, never wake up next to Logan, never get to call Logan his husband, never hear Logan say that he loves him. That hurts more than anything. That hurts more than a sword in the chest, more than a knife in the back—it probably hurts more than having his heart ripped out of his chest would. 

And the worst part is that he can’t do anything about it. He can’t do anything as Logan wipes away his tears and calms his breathing. He can’t do anything as Logan sets the ring, still sealed in its box, down on the bed. He can’t do anything as Logan starts speaking again. He can’t do anything at all when Logan says, “And I love you, Roman. More than you could ever know. I miss you too,” Roman can’t do anything as Logan’s voice wavers before he continues, “more than you could ever know.” He can’t do a single thing as Logan wipes away his rapidly falling tears. He can’t do anything, and it’s driving him insane. 

“But,” Logan begins, sounding more unraveled than he’s ever been in his life, “I know you’re gone. I know I can’t do anything about it. I know I have to… have to stop pretending that everything’s alright. That you’re going to come back. I know you aren’t, that you couldn’t even if you wanted to. I know I’m allowed to miss you, but I also know that I have to move on. I know that I won’t ever be able to forget you, no matter how hard I may try. I don’t want to forget you. Ever. I love you too much for that.

“So, I have to say goodbye.” Roman knew this was coming. Saying goodbye is a part of moving on, and he knows this. It still brings new tears to his eyes when he hears Logan say it out loud though. It still tears his heart in two, rips it out of his chest. “I don’t want to,” Logan says as his voice starts to falter. “But I have to.

“I promise I won’t stop thinking about you, I promise I won’t let the memory of you die. I’ll always love you and only you; you have my heart now, and you’ll have it forevermore. When we meet again—and I know, somehow, that we will—I’ll tell you all of this in person. That I love you more than I could have thought possible, more than words could ever express, that I miss you more than I thought I could handle, that I want to stay by your side forever. I’ll still have your ring, and I’ll give it to you when I see you again. Because I will. This is my goodbye to you, but it isn’t really goodbye. I couldn’t ever truly say goodbye to you. This is more like my vow to you that one day, I will see you again.”

Roman can feel himself fading out of consciousness. He’s finally realized that Logan is the one responsible for his staying behind just a little bit longer, that his stubborn insistence to hold on to something lost hasn’t allowed either of them move on. Roman doesn’t want to let go of Logan either, but he forces himself to as Logan’s words echo in his head: _I will see you again._ A promise, a vow. He’ll settle for that much. He wants more, he’ll always want more, but he can hold on to that for now. 

Eyes that had been open were now closing. A world that had been full of light was now full of darkness. The light had been a comfort, but the darkness didn’t hurt. It just took some getting used to. And after a final, slow blink, those eyes closed for good.

“So, goodbye, Roman,” Logan says. “I miss you, I love you, and I’ll see you again.”

And one day, he does.

**Author's Note:**

> it’s been three parts and yes, i still adore comments 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ratherstareyed) || [tumblr](ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com) || [tumblr post](https://ratherstarryeyed.tumblr.com/post/188597188807/missing-you)


End file.
